your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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