shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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