I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I am naked and annoyed.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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