all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
