I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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