I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
