your parents love me but you hate me
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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