So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
