Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
