just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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