I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
