i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
