Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
