The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You left your phone here
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