Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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