I cannot find my penis.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
