She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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