Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
