Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Im part way to drunk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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