She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
