Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
