Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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