Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
