apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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