you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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