Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
