So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my being single is dangerous.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
