Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
