She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He shit in the fireplace
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
