Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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