you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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