the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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