He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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