My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.