ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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