He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.