I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We're not piercing ourselves today.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?