saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
