haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
