some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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