Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
