if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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