i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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