I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
