OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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