i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
