Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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