guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
