there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she smelled like a LAN party
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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