listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
