Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
