I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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