I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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