She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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