I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
