Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
