I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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