i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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