I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Found your dick twin last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
