Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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