i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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