So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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